Over 13 years ago, when I first started blogging, I picked a lot of fights with people by blogging on hot topics. And I expended a LOT of energy defending my positions in lengthy comments and posts.
Guess what happened?
Well, for one, I realized (after a few long years and a whole lot of cringe-worthy posts) that I didn’t really know what I believed and needed to stop touting the beliefs and convictions of others, to step back and do my some deep soul-searching and understanding of why others believed differently than I did (instead of just adopting the prideful “I’m right; you’re wrong!” mentality).
But I also realized that spending much of my time on the internet trying to defend myself and prove my point and convince those who disagreed with me to change their minds… all this was just frustrating me, zapping my time, and taking way too much of my emotional energy.
So I quit that blog and made the big decision to set huge boundaries on what I will and won’t blog about (that list includes basically ALL hot-button issues), and I also decided to commit to not defending myself online.
Even though I don’t blog about hot-button issues anymore, there are still plenty of people who don’t like me online.
- They wish I would blog differently.
- They don’t like it when I say this or fix my hair that way.
- They don’t like my makeup or wish I had addressed something more clearly.
- They are upset that I make money as a blogger.
- They wish I would go back to being poor.
- They don’t like how I’ve changed over the years.
- They are disappointed in my choices.
- They think I’m too frugal or not frugal enough… and on and on it goes.
It’s rare that a day goes by that someone doesn’t write in saying they are offended or upset or bothered by things I’ve put out on the internet.
Just two days ago, someone left a long comment very upset about the food I feed my family. They laid into me about how I’m not prioritizing my family’s health and how it’s such a shame I’m not willing to buy organic food.
The day before, I got an email response to one of my email newsletters from someone who called me some names I won’t repeat here and demanded that I shut up and stop emailing them (never mind the fact that they had subscribed to my email list!).
These kinds of comments and emails and direct messages are so common. I could write a book of stories of crazy things people have told me, said to me, and said about me to other people.
So what do you do when people don’t like what you write or share on the internet? What do you do when you get an unkind comment? How should you respond when someone is upset or disappointed with you or doesn’t like you on the internet?
Here’s what I recommend:
1. Don’t Let Others’ Words Define You
When you receive hurtful and derogatory comments, you can instantly go to a place of shame. It is very easy to start thinking you are not good enough, that you’ve failed, that you are a horrible person, etc.
Here’s the truth, though: Others’ words only have power over us if we choose to allow them to. Their words might hurt. They might cut deep. They might sting. But they don’t have to define us.
2. Do Consider Their Perspective
While we shouldn’t let what other people say about us define us, there still may be truth in their words. And I believe it’s important to pay attention to what truths might be there that we need to consider.
Step back and really consider their words — not the way they were said or how they were delivered — but instead, just consider the words themselves and ask yourself, “Is there any truth or merit in what this person is saying?”
Did I do something that was hurtful? Did I say something that was unnecessary? Did I have an unkind attitude?
Just because someone says something that is hurtful doesn’t mean we should discount everything they said. I know in my life, some of the things people have said that have initially been hurtful, were actually words I needed to hear. They opened up my eyes to a flaw or blind spot or area in my life that I needed to work on.
3. Do Have Truth-Tellers In Your Life
One thing I’ve found helpful is to have people in my life who have earned the right to speak truth and then to process hurts with them. Read them the text or letter or email or comment you got. Tell them exactly what someone said to you or accused you of and ask them to help you discern whether there is truth to what was said.
Many times, having an outside unbiased perspective on the situation can give us clarity that we wouldn’t have if we were just trying to process through the situation or hurtful words by ourself.
4. Do Admit When You’re Wrong
If you realize that you have made a mistake, admit it and own it. We all make mistakes and fail. Don’t pretend you have it all together or never make mistakes. Don’t pretend you are never at fault. Because sometimes, you are.
Believe me, I’ve failed many times. I’ve responded to comments ungraciously. There have been times I’ve returned snark with snark or tried to defend myself when I should have just stayed quiet. I’ve had to take posts down and make apologies and ask for forgiveness.
5. Don’t Forget the Big Picture
What’s going to matter 25 years from now? I often ask myself that when I’m trying to determine my priorities.
We can’t please everyone. We can’t make everyone happy. We can’t do all the things for all the people. And because of this, we will always end up disappointing people.
I’ve had to accept that there will be others who are disappointed by what I do or what I don’t do, frustrated by what I say or what I don’t say, bothered by how I parent or don’t parent, irritated by what I blog, annoyed with my personality or videos or speaking style… and on and on it goes.
I am only responsible for my own actions; I am not responsible for people’s reactions to my actions.
I just can’t please everyone. In fact, I can’t please a lot of people. Who I am, what I blog about, what I believe, how I write, my personality… it’s just not for everyone. In fact, it’s not for a lot of people. And that’s completely okay.
What matters is that I focus on what my priorities are and that I embrace who I am called to be. My priorities are different than your priorities. My parenting style is different than your parenting style. My writing style is different than other blogger’s writing styles. What I’m called to is different than what you’re called to.
Wrap your life around your personal priorities, be confident in the things you are called to do, be as gracious as you can, but accept that you will disappoint some people along the way. And that’s okay.
Chris Moss says
I once got a scathing comment when I wrote about Black Lives Matter to promote racial reconciliation. I’m not black. My blog was not about racial reconciliation. I was shocked at the response of one reader who had been a dear friend in college. She posted comment after comment, with multiple links to Blue Lives Matter. I felt like she missed the point and I was I politely stepped back on the issue. I blocked her. I stopped writing about anything controversial. I stay in my lane.
Crystal Paine says
That is definitely a topic that people have really strong opinions on and it seems like it’s almost impossible for people to truly hear your heart on it! I once posted this beautiful and touching video that happened to have a political candidate in it. The video wasn’t about the political candidate, but because it had footage of them in it, people assumed that meant I supported this person and, within 8 minutes, I had to take down the video because it had turned into this huge political debate and uproar — with many people saying they were unfollowing me! I’ve learned to stay far, far away from anything remotely associated to politics!
Ayme says
This is well written, excellent advice that I intend to print. Thank you so much for sharing!
Crystal Paine says
Thanks so much for your encouragement!
Joye says
Crystal,
I’m a new (haven’t launched yet) blogger. How to handle negative comments is one of my concerns. I appreciate your perspective and insight on this subject. I’m always looking for valuable experienced knowledge from more seasoned bloggers. This hits the mark.
Thank you for taking the time to share.
Joye
Crystal Paine says
Thanks so much for your encouragement!
Diana says
Hi Crystal,
I too, have a few of these negative comments myself. In such a case, I treat them as spam and nothing brings me more satisfaction than using my Delete button on them quite frequently and expeditiously. 🙂
That reminds me, I’m going to have to finally pull out my Cricut and put this on a T-shirt one day:
“I am only responsible for what I say, not what you think I said.”
I love your blogs. I’ve been following you before adulting was a thing, circa 2008. I love everything that comes out of your brain. Your blog, moneysavingmom.com has improved my life more than you know. You have taught me how to finally become a responsible adult and then ultimately, a good mom, all while remaining so grounded and humble. For that, I am so truly grateful! 🙂
Thanks for this encouraging post and the many many ones you’ve published over the years.
Diana
Crystal Paine says
Aw, thank you SO much for your kind encouragement! And I loved your wise words in this post!
Jess says
Great post, Crystal.
You’re completely right, we can’t please everyone and that’s completely okay. It’s impossible to please everyone.
I wish people would use some manners and respect boundaries a bit more though. I think that’s getting worse by the day online. It’s sad and scary how nasty people can be.
The things people say to each other online, in many cases, would never be said in person. And just because something can be typed and sent out doesn’t mean it should.
I love your question, “Will this matter in 25 years?” I’ll have to remember that one. ?
Crystal Paine says
That question really helps me to have perspective!
Naomi says
People have way way too much time on their hands. What difference does it make what your hair looks like? (It’s pretty by the way…) What difference does it matter what you feed your family (I’m all for eating healthy but to each their own…) Everyone just needs to mind their own businesses! My word. How bizarre! This honestly blew my mind that people were so dumb. I don’t have a blog, although I wish I did. Although now reading this, maybe I don’t. I don’t know if I have a skin thick enough…
Crystal Paine says
It definitely does require some thick skin, that’s for sure!
Elizabeth Whitesides says
Hey girl – great post (and I am loving going thru your YBM classes!). As a new blogger, this is my #1 fear. I internalize anything critical said to me (grew up in a fiercely critical home) and it crushes me. I know this is going to be my biggest challenge – to get over this and do what I feel called to do.
I just want to add my perspective on “never blogging on hot topics” or expressing your beliefs about critical issues because they are not your main topic.
I am saddened whenever I hear a reasonable person (by reasonable I mean you know what you think/believe about an issue and why, but you are respectful of other’s equally well-thought out beliefs and their right to express their views too) say “I’m never opening my mouth about that topic again!” because someone bullied them on the internet. It reminds me of what Edmund Burke said, “the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”
If kind, decent, reasonable people shut up because of internet trolls, then pretty soon the only voices out there will be internet bullies spewing hate speech and a handful of iron hided pundits shouting at each other on tv. “The People” will have no voice, and they will be afraid to act on their convictions because the internet bullies have frightened them into silence. The First Amendment guarantees free speech to us all, not just the loudest and meanest among us.
I’m not saying everyone’s blogs and online platforms need to turn into debate societies. Yuck. I respect anyone’s decision to write or not on any subject. But none of us write in a cultural vacuum. If your conscience leads you to add your voice to an issue, you should kindly, respectfully and thoughtfully do it – regardless of whether it costs you subscribers or money or whatnot.
Crystal Paine says
I think those are wise words — and I really appreciate you sharing them! And I very much agree with you.
Which is why I continue to write about saving money on groceries and sharing our shopping trips, even though I know I’ll get criticized for it every single week! Because I know that for every critical comment, I’ll inspire hundreds or thousands of others to actually be able to cut their grocery bill — and that’s SO worth it to me.
On the flip side, I’ve also chosen to not blog about politics or other hot topics… because that’s just not what I feel called to do on the internet. But I know that many people are called to do that and I’m grateful that they are. I’ve just learned that I personally want to choose the hills I’m going to die on very carefully… because if I alienate and offend people by sharing my opinions on hot topics that are completely off-topic, then I’m not able to teach them how to be intentional with their life or save money or make money from blogging. For me, defining what I’m called to do on the internet has helped me to also know what I’m NOT called to do, if that makes sense. 🙂
Joy says
Great advice, Crystal! It’s so true that you can’t please everyone. I’ve been blogging for 10 years, and it took me a long time to learn this lesson.
Even though I still don’t enjoy the negative comments, they don’t devastate me like they did in those early days when I was just getting started.
Crystal Paine says
It’s so good when you can get to a place where the negative comments just don’t bother you like they once did!
Andrea L Edleblute says
I’m just getting started with blogging and I haven’t received many comments yet. But I’ll be honest, the thought of receiving negative comments is what held me back from blogging for many years. I absolutely love your words of inspiration! I pinned this post and plan to go back to it and read it often so I can really remember why I started doing this in the first place!!
Crystal Paine says
I’m so grateful that this encouraged you! I’m cheering for you!
Kemi says
Although this would probably incite more wrath it’s like my cousin says, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day.” Most of the time these negative commenters can have issues going on in their lives that has nothing to do with you. But you’ve handled yourself with grace through the years Crystal. I’m glad you brought this topic up.
Crystal Paine says
Yes! That is so true! And it’s something I often remind my kids of if they are frustrated because of the way someone acted. I will remind them that you never know what someone is going through or what kind of day they are having or have had.
Diane says
I read this article when you first published it, but I had to come back and read it again today. This morning someone left two nasty comments about one of my posts that nearly brought me to tears.
As I thought about the comments, I truly believe the writer didn’t read the post but merely jumped to a negative conclusion based on the post’s title. But it still hurt.
I so appreciate your article, Crystal, as well as the many comments from your readers. They definitely helped me put things into perspective.
Crystal Paine says
I’m SO sorry that you got negative comments! That makes me so sad to hear — you are doing such a great job on your blog. Please don’t be discouraged!
Diane says
Thank you so much for the encouraging words!
Olga says
Crystal,
May I just say: I think I am addicted to your moneysavingmom blog and it is just so, so helpful and inspirational!
I am only in the early stages of contemplating the idea of blogging but this “hide-behind-the-screen” criticism is one of the main fears of mine just because of where and how I grew up. So, I just wanted to encourage and thank you for all the positive things you do!
Crystal Paine says
Thank you so much for your kind encouragement, Olga!
Whitney says
Thank you so much for this post! This morning I published a post that I knew would be fodder for a few negative comments. Sure enough, the first one was someone telling me she did not like my post. 🙂 I immediately rehearsed these 5 things in my head and responded to her with kindness. I don’t feel nearly as panicky or defensive as I would have if I had engaged with her in argument. Thank you for the practical help that makes me feel a little more brave when posting about polarizing subjects!
Crystal Paine says
I am so grateful to hear that this post helped you! That made my day! And yay for being brave! 🙂
Kritesh Abhishek says
Hi Crystal. You have given some great advice here. Last month, I launched a youtube channel. Although I’m trying to post my best contents there, still I’m getting few negative comments. At that time, my initial human instincts said that I should stop posting videos as they suck. However, I continued creating videos for my YT channel as the number of positive comments was a lot high compared to the negative contents. Today, after reading your post, I’m feeling a lot more confident to handle negative comments. Thank you for sharing this post. Cheers.
Crystal Paine says
Oh yay!! I’m so glad that this post helped you!
Tania Cowling says
People need to have manners, to show respect for one another. Yes, people may not agree with me on my blog. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but, they should show respect when commenting or just don’t follow me any longer. The Internet has many blogs to follow, please don’t be a troll on my blog!